I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
