Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
