I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead