it's not cheating when I paid for it
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What a dumb baby whore.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.