I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
its like you know when i get waxed