I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
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Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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