i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
