i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
