I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
