high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
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I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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Explain the King Dong next to my face.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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