the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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