Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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