just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
