I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
