how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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