is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
