We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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