make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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