I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
