You just made me feel so damn special
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You're like the curious george of whores
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
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I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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