Im at strip club and am horny
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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