You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
