Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
