If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
