Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
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Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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