My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
