4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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