hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
