shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
