I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
