im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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