Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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