I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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