All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
