She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
