I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
