White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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