so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
