the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
