i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
