Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
