The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
