did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
