I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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