we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
