You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
