You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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