i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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