I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
