I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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