I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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