I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
