she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
