We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
