Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
