She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
