OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
