The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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