i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
